On the eve of my 30th birthday, I found myself a little frazzled, not quite sure how or what to feel- excitement, fear, hope, enthusiasm, relief. The world has fed us this idea of 30 being this behavioural paradigm shift, a new era, a cerebral elevation of sorts- closing the door to one's reckless inhibitions and stepping into the fullness of who one ought to be.
I remember getting drunk for the 2nd time on my 18th birthday. I had planned to celebrate with a Fanta Grape and Tempo, my favourite treat at the time, and go to sleep. But my friend Bulumko had other plans:). He rocked up to Fuller Hall with a cake in hand, wearing his infectious smile, and successfully persuaded us to go for a night out instead. I had my first shot ever that night at Cyber and took the drunken opportunity to tell all my friends how I really felt about them one-by-one, somehow managing to preserve their affections towards me despite my being so ungovernable. The night ended with me confidently and erroneously belting out a Rihanna song at the Rondebosch Steers because obviously, I could do a better job than Riri! It was messy, but it was great! It felt like I was doing things right; drinking at the legal age, being with friends, and enjoying life the best way I knew how.
Twelve years later, as I sip on my herbal tea, I would give anything to be surrounded by those who mean the most to me now and tell them how I feel! But in the same breathe, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but right here, 12000 km away from home, alone, healthy, and content. So instead of dwelling on what this day could have been, I try to practice some gratitude. I have a lot to be thankful for; the life I have endured, the life I have lived, the life I have chosen, and the life I am creating. I am grateful for the space to reflect, think, dream outside the noise and societal expectation that comes with being at home, as well as the freedom to frame this new chapter as I please- with no influence or pressure. To let go of all the labels I have accumulated over the years, warranted or not. To live this life the best way I know how to now, and more importantly to live it the way I need.
Loving others more than I loved myself
In my pursuit of acceptance, love, and external validation- I chose to love others more than I loved myself. It's not something I particularly regret, I do not think loving people is wrong and what they choose to do with the love you give, is their choice. But, I do think it's a dangerous way to live when you don’t get the love you desire and deserve in return. For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to love half-heartedly, I either felt it or I didn’t. My oversight was in not being able to live by the same principle when it came to myself, accepting watered-down forms of love instead of the full, concentrated kind. The kind that leaves you enriched, empowered, validated, and secure. Tangible love. Love that isn’t doubtful or questionable, resolute love. I am still uncertain if that kind of love is possible for mere mortals, but I have found it in Jesus, and its fullness has allowed me to reject anything that claims to be love but doesn’t quite live up to it. Toni Morrison said it best, “thin love ain't love at all”.
Likability is for the birds
I have always struggled with likability- wanting people to like me and failing dismally at it because I genuinely can never garner up enough energy to make them like me. I have been told I needed to smile more so I could be more approachable and also, not to be so uptight about everything. I won’t lie and say I haven’t tried to switch it up a bit over the years and put on my 'happy-go-lucky' face, which has put me in more trouble than I’d asked for. The truth is I am fundamentally not that girl, and trying to be her was draining! I strongly believe that there is little one can do (when unwilling to occasionally shape-shift their personality) to make people like you more or dislike you less- it’s either someone has the pallet for you or they don’t. Some may acquire a taste for you and others might lose it, but chasing likability will only trap you in an endless cycle of perpetual consumption and discarding. Rather spend your efforts showing love to yourself and discovering the nuances of your personality and character, interrogating them objectively and nurturing them accordingly. Take the time to find out what YOUR taste is and surround yourself with people who share the same values and interests. Understand the difference between people you can have a good time with and those you can build with, it will save you the heart-ache and give you the clarity to see where you should invest your energies and heart. Rock with those who rock with you.
Find your Peace then Protect your Peace
In my adolescence, protecting my peace meant evading all antagonism and swiftly exiting any uncomfortable situation that required active confrontation. But that, more often than not, left me feeling frustrated and defeated- reimagining how I should have told so-and-so off and said my piece! I have learned that to protect my peace I had to find it first. It is safe to say that peace will look different for each of us and will thus be “found” differently too. For me, it has been mainly a process of trial and error; mixing and matching activities, routines, reactions, and responses- then adjusting to behaviours and adopting rhythms that make me feel at ease. Right now, the full picture of my peace is comprised of tiny bits I have habitually accumulated and practiced over the years. They look like being in good relationship with my family, listening to good music, reading & learning, feeling and processing things as they happen, drinking Chamomile tea after a long day, and clicking unfollow when I’ve had enough. In dealing with confrontation, I still exit difficult situations quickly but not without stating how I feel and what I think. I learned how to optimise my best channel of communication and tend to follow up the disagreement with a more detailed and engaging email or text. I am still figuring it all out and collecting the pieces of my peace as I find them.
Weighing Words
If you have ever been cyber-bullied before, you might agree that sticks and stones break bones as much as words break spirits. My experience with online bullying spanned only a few days but had detrimental effects on my self-image and confidence. During that time, I had to consciously recall every positive thing my mother had ever said about me, to try to counter every negative statement put out. In the years following, I actively began to treat words more and more like sticks and stones- taking active precautions to protect myself from them.
I measure words now. I am no expert but I think I am adequately skilful at it. Having been equally hurt and deluded by words, I approach them with great caution, only truly considering the words of those who have proved the worth of their words to me. If you have a history of doing and meaning what you say, your words carry weight with me. I regard them, digest them, and believe them. On the flip side, if they have proven to be flimsy and easily shaken, they pass over me- taking up no space in my mind or heart. I am too grown to hold fast onto fruitless promises and insubstantial commentary. I only have time to credit words that have a backbone.
Goodbye Ms 20-Something
These years have been the worst of times and the best of times. The past decade has afforded me many lessons, hard-learned, and unforgettable. I am so grateful to have made it out alive, even though I lost most of my friends and evaded love like the plague. I'd like to believe that I have filtered through the mess of figuring out what I am about and landed where I should. To those of you still stuck in them- in the words of SZA; Good Luck on them 20-somethings and God bless these 20-somethings!!
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