I still love you, and in the words of my namesake, I'll always love you.
Although I grew up in a household dominated by women, I always preferred the company of boys. I felt somewhat more secure around boys than I did girls, free to be myself and similarly unsure of myself.
Don't get me wrong, I hung out with girls most of the time, but the real conversations about what I was feeling or experiencing were taking place over the phone or via MXit with my guy friends. I could let my guard down with them without fear of ridicule or judgment. I could make silly jokes and go on about random stuff that wasn't rooted in gossip or mean-girl-rhetoric.
To some degree, it is still the case- my closest friends are male and I feel my vulnerability is safest in their hands. So before I continue, I'd like to acknowledge those boys now men, for holding me down in different but equally important ways; Timothy, Mthobisi, Skhumbuzo, Peter, Spha, Oyama, and Kabelo- thank you. To Bulumko and David, thank you for your unconditional and constant friendship and for still riding.
Some for a Season
I am in no way minimising the role that girlfriends have played in my life. They have taught me so much and shaped me in immeasurable ways. Growing up I spent all my time stalking my older sister, who was too busy being a teen and had no time for me. I felt rejected by her for a large portion of my life and spent a long time trying to win over her affections and approval. My other sister was everything!! She included me in her friendship circle, let me hang out with her older and cooler friends and protected me ALOT! She was (and still is) my best friend and when she left for University, I found myself a little lost.
My relation to girls was thus observational in the sense that I spent time with them but never really contributed much. I was extremely insecure and shy and did not have much happening in my "personal" life- so I would sit and listen, laugh and watch. I gravitated towards the quieter, more isolated girls because I could see myself in them and would only let myself be more open around them. I am so grateful for those friendships- for girls who I could be introverted, young, and innocent with. Simple, uncomplicated girls living boring, sheltered but easy lives together. Leaving home and leaving them was one of the scariest things I ever had to do, but it was also something I was excited and hopeful about. The potential of a shinier, bolder me quietly bubbled within with great expectation.
Some for a Reason
My mother didn't advocate much for friendships in general, so my 6 siblings were my default people. Consequently, my identity was deeply rooted in being Andile's little sister, the Head Girl's little sister, "little HG"- a title that I championed from the age of 5 till my 2nd year of University. I'd always be her little sister, but Andile was the one who encouraged me to find my own path when I got to UCT. She had advised me to make friends with whom I wanted, not whom I thought I needed to be friends with.
The problem was that I never really learned HOW to make friends. So the first few days of Orientation week were weird, I caught myself seeking out the quiet, shy girls and thought that would be my best bet. Instead, I was sought out by the most spirited, extroverted girl ever! When I think about how I met Sine and the girls, who would go on to be my squad for the remainder of my university career and some change, I can't seem to piece together the progression. It's almost like it happened overnight.
These girls poured me my first drink, took me to the club for the first time, and prepped me for my very first date. My relation to girls progressed from observation to participation. I had found people who were okay with the fact that I hadn't experienced much and were willing to journey through adolescence with me- holding my hand when I was afraid or consoling me when I made a terrible mistake. Girls who induced energy in me that I'd never seen before and laughter and joy that lingered long after the joke ended.
I was finally becoming an individual, albeit messy, and was especially grateful to have found a sisterhood in a place I least expected to find it. I truly don't believe my personality would be as pronounced as it is today, had it not been for the "Fuller girls"- whose care and concern for me allowed me to freely navigate adolescence brazenly. I was fully allowed to be goofy and silly, confused, and indecisive without any fear of losing their fellowship. I had never imagined myself loving people as much as I loved my siblings and certainly didn't think it was even possible. But this group of girls effectively worked their way into my heart and took up residence. It was during this time that I learned to not only trust girls enough to let my walls down but to love them in a way that felt transcendent.
Seasons Change
The problem with group identity and co-dependency is that the group cannot control nor pace individual evolution, and people change all the time. With the pursuit of career interests and passions that were not aligned, the forming of bonds and relationships outside of our bubble, we slowly untethered from each other. Some disconnections were messier than others, some natural and others categorically necessary. But each one a knife to the heart. Nothing and no-one can quite prepare you for losing friends. It's an art you can only hone in the process. A process that may possibly kill you if not handled correctly.
"Some for a reason, some for a season" is a phrase my Pastor quoted a lot when I was growing up. One that I did not fully comprehend until now. I find myself looking back and thinking a lot about my group of girlfriends, sometimes with bitterness, at times with great regret but mostly with deep affection and gratitude. To have had such a bond and to have experienced such incredible moments, I am truly grateful.
I hope today, wherever they are, they can look back and smile too.
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